How Do I Communicate What I Want? — Talking About Sexual Fantasies With Your Partner
Talking about sexual fantasies can feel exciting, vulnerable, awkward, and intimidating all at the same time. You might be worried: what if my partner judges me? What if they think I’m weird? What if they say no? What if this changes how they see me? That knot in your stomach before you even open your mouth? It is one of the most universal experiences in human intimacy. But here is what the research says: healthy conversations about fantasy are actually one of the strongest signs of trust, emotional safety, and sexual communication in a relationship.
In a previous article, we discussed how to introduce sex toys into a relationship (Link is at the end of this paragraph). Today, we are focusing on another important part of sexual communication: discussing fantasies openly, respectfully, and without shame. Because fantasies are normal — and talking about them does not mean something is "wrong" with your current sex life.
-How to Introduce Sex Toys to Your Relationship (Without Making It Awkward)
Are Sexual Fantasies Normal?
Yes — extremely normal. Sexual fantasies are a natural part of human sexuality. They can involve specific scenarios, roleplay, power dynamics, romantic situations, new experiences, sensory preferences, emotional intimacy, or certain environments and settings. Having a fantasy does not automatically mean you want it in real life, your relationship is failing, your partner is inadequate, or something is psychologically wrong.
Research has consistently found that the vast majority of people experience sexual fantasies. A classic review by Leitenberg & Henning identified sexual fantasies in 95% of their population across various contexts, from daydreaming to masturbating to partnered sex. Approximately 90% of the general adult population report having sexual fantasies at least occasionally. Over 95% of men and 91% of women report having sexual fantasies. Fantasy and reality are not always the same thing. Many people enjoy fantasies mentally without ever wanting to act them out physically.
Sex therapist Emily Jamea, Ph.D., explains that large-scale studies report over 95% of people have fantasies, yet the perception and understanding of them is still shrouded in misconception. Fantasies are far less about dissatisfaction and far more about imagination. So if you have a fantasy that feels strange or taboo, you are in the majority, not the minority. The problem is not the fantasy. The problem is the silence and shame that surrounds it.
Why Talking About Fantasies Feels So Difficult
Here is why that lump forms in your throat. Sexual vulnerability can feel emotionally risky. People often fear rejection, embarrassment, being misunderstood, looking "too experienced" or "too inexperienced," hurting their partner's feelings, or sounding unrealistic or strange. Cultural stigma around sex also plays a role. Many people were never taught how to discuss sexual desires openly or respectfully. As a result, couples may spend years together without fully understanding each other's preferences.
A survey by Herbenick and colleagues found that 55% of women reported that they chose not to talk about sex with their intimate partner, despite wanting to. Reasons included not wanting to hurt their partner's feelings, not feeling comfortable going into details, and embarrassment on their part. The unwillingness or inability to express one's sexual desires has a direct association with sexual satisfaction.
As the modern relationship therapist Esther Perel puts it, layer upon layer of social and sexual taboo, combined with a lack of education and communication, has created stigma around discussing that which gets us off and understanding why — not only with our friends, but with our partners. Our erotic mind is very sensitive to censorship, and when it smells judgment, it knows to hide underground. Many of us wonder if it is even worth it to go down the rabbit hole of our desire.
But here is the thing. Not every fantasy needs to be acted on. Some fantasies are best kept as conversation, imagination, dirty talk, fiction, roleplay, or mental stimulation. Healthy sexuality includes understanding boundaries, consent, and emotional safety. There is no requirement to act out every fantasy to have a fulfilling sex life.
Why Discussing Fantasies Can Improve Relationships
Healthy sexual communication often improves emotional intimacy, trust, sexual satisfaction, confidence, curiosity, and connection. Even if a fantasy is never acted out, simply feeling safe enough to discuss it can strengthen closeness.
A study published in The Journal of Sex Research found that over 69% of participants had previously disclosed a fantasy to a partner. Of those, more than 80% found this to be a positive experience. Participants commonly cited sexual desire as their main reason for opening up — many said they had shared their fantasy hoping to act it out together, found talking about sexual fantasies arousing, or valued honesty and openness and the level of trust and commitment that made them feel safe to share.
Other research has shown that sharing one's fantasies with a partner is positively correlated with both relationship satisfaction and sexual satisfaction. The disclosure of sexual fantasies can provide several benefits to the relationship, such as higher sexual satisfaction and higher sexual novelty — both factors that have been highlighted as positive predictors of relationship satisfaction.
Engagement with sexual fantasies that involve one's current partner has been found to provide higher sexual desire for partners and greater engagement in relationship-promoting behaviors.
These conversations can also reduce misunderstandings, silent frustration, assumptions about desire, and performance pressure. Certified sex therapist Sari Cooper notes that sharing fantasies can amp up your erotic and sexual energy, and it may surprise couples — even those who have been together for many years — that the fantasies they have kept private are, in fact, the same ones their partner indulges in.
How to Bring Up Sexual Fantasies Without Making It Awkward
Let we walk you through exactly how to approach this conversation — timing, wording, and all.
Do not start the conversation during conflict. Timing matters. Avoid discussing fantasies during arguments, immediately after rejection, during emotionally tense moments, or as criticism of current sex. Instead, choose a relaxed and private moment where both people feel emotionally safe. Good moments may include casual intimacy, pillow talk, a relaxed date night, or during broader conversations about relationships or intimacy.
Start with curiosity, not pressure. The goal should be conversation — not immediate agreement. Helpful approaches include: "Can I share something I’ve been curious about?" "What kinds of fantasies do you think are interesting?" "Have you ever had something you wanted to try?" "I read something recently that made me curious." This creates openness instead of pressure.
Avoid framing fantasies as "missing" from the relationship. A fantasy discussion should not sound like: "Our sex life is boring." "You're not enough." "I need more than what you give me." That can trigger insecurity and defensiveness. Instead, frame fantasies as exploration, curiosity, shared intimacy, or something fun to discuss together.
Try a scaffolded approach. Don't bring anything up immediately before, during, or after sex. Dr. Emily Jamea advises: when sharing any sexual desire, it's crucial to include the why. Don't say you want them to tie you up without also explaining why it's appealing to you. Try a scaffolded approach — start with something light and see how it lands.
Use "I" statements. Something like: "I have been thinking about something, and I am curious if you would ever be open to trying it with me." That puts the focus on your curiosity, not a demand.
Make the conversation a two-way street. Ask about your partner's fantasies too. You do not have to say "Tell me everything right now." But a simple "Do you ever think about trying something new?" opens the door. Even if your partner does not have a specific fantasy ready to share, just showing that you are curious about their inner world builds trust.
Accept that not every fantasy will be shared. Partners do not need identical fantasies to have healthy sexual compatibility. Some fantasies may be interesting to discuss, better left as fantasy, open to compromise, or outside someone's comfort zone. Consent and comfort matter on both sides. A respectful response is important whether the answer is "yes," "maybe," "not right now," or "I'm not comfortable with that."
Listen without judging. If your partner opens up, avoid laughing, mocking, shaming, looking disgusted, or weaponizing the information later. Even if the fantasy surprises you, responding respectfully builds trust. A safer response might be: "Thanks for telling me." "That's interesting." "I appreciate you being honest." "Can you tell me what appeals to you about it?" Curiosity works better than immediate judgment.
Understand the difference between fantasy and real-life desire. Fantasy is often symbolic or emotional rather than literal. For example, a fantasy may reflect excitement, novelty, power, trust, vulnerability, attention, or emotional intensity. Wanting to fantasize about something does not always mean someone wants it to happen exactly in real life. This distinction matters enormously in healthy communication.
Common Fantasies Couples Discuss
Every person is different, but common fantasy themes may include roleplay, dominance and submission, public-risk scenarios, sensory play, romantic scenarios, watching or being watched, power exchange, trying new locations, or using sex toys together. Open discussion allows couples to understand each other better without assumptions.
But here is a crucial point: many people worry that their fantasy is "too weird." Research shows that this worry is almost always unnecessary. Submission and domination themes, for example, are not only common for both men and women. Most people's fantasy life is a lot more normal than their shame spiral wants them to believe.
What If Your Partner Reacts Poorly?
Not every conversation goes perfectly. If your partner reacts negatively — stay calm, avoid escalating defensiveness, clarify your intention, reassure them if necessary, and respect their boundaries. Sometimes people need time to process emotionally vulnerable conversations. A "not right now" might turn into a "maybe next month" after they have had time to sit with the idea.
If communication around sex consistently feels impossible, couples counseling or sex therapy may help improve comfort and trust. As Perel notes, therapy is often the only place where we feel permission to discuss the erotic recesses of our imaginations.
Can Fantasies Change Over Time?
Absolutely. Sexual interests can evolve due to age, confidence, relationship comfort, stress levels, emotional experiences, curiosity, or life stages. What matters most is maintaining open communication rather than assuming preferences never change. A fantasy that felt exciting at twenty might feel irrelevant at forty, and that is fine. A fantasy that felt impossible at thirty might become a fun experiment at fifty.
Should You Act Out Every Fantasy?
No. Some fantasies are best kept as conversation, imagination, dirty talk, fiction, roleplay, or mental stimulation. Healthy sexuality includes understanding boundaries, consent, and emotional safety. There is no requirement to act out every fantasy to have a fulfilling sex life.
How to Build Long-Term Sexual Communication
Healthy sexual communication is ongoing, not a one-time "big talk." Helpful habits include regular check-ins, talking outside the bedroom, being honest without criticism, discussing boundaries openly, staying curious instead of defensive, and avoiding shame-based language.
Chris Fariello, founder and director of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy, advises that fantasy talk should not be a one-time thing. Keep the conversation going so you understand how the fantasies fit within your relationship dynamic. It is all about finding a balance that works for both you and your partner and ensuring that fantasies remain a positive and consensual part of your sexual life.
Good communication often matters more than "perfect" sexual technique.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Is it weird to have sexual fantasies?
No. Sexual fantasies are extremely common and part of normal human sexuality. Research consistently shows that 90 to 95 percent of adults report having sexual fantasies.
Q: What if my partner does not share my fantasy?
That is normal too. Partners can still have healthy intimacy without identical desires. The goal is mutual understanding and respect, not matching checklists.
Q: Should I tell my partner every fantasy?
Not necessarily. Sharing should feel safe, respectful, and consensual. You get to choose what feels right to share and what stays private.
Q: What if discussing fantasies makes me nervous?
That is very common. Sexual vulnerability can feel emotionally intense, especially early in relationships. Start small, go slow, and give yourself permission to be awkward.
Q: Can discussing fantasies improve relationships?
Often yes. Healthy communication can increase trust, emotional intimacy, and sexual satisfaction. The research on fantasy disclosure consistently shows positive outcomes for couples who talk openly.
GITMPLAYBOOK Advice
Here is what we tell our community. If you have never talked about fantasies with your partner, start small. You do not need to confess your deepest, most vulnerable fantasy on the first try. Start with something light — maybe a position you have been curious about, a setting that sounds romantic, or a type of touch you would like more of. See how your partner responds.
Make the conversation a two-way street. Ask about your partner's fantasies too. You do not have to say "Tell me everything right now." But a simple "Do you ever think about trying something new?" opens the door. Even if your partner does not have a specific fantasy ready to share, just showing that you are curious about their inner world builds trust.
If you are worried about rejection, start with an external prompt. "I read about something interesting. What do you think about that?" That takes some of the pressure off you. Use media as a bridge — discuss a scene in a movie or a storyline in a book. It is safer, and it opens the door naturally.
And remember: sharing a fantasy is not a demand. You are not handing your partner a to-do list. You are saying "This is something I think about, and I want to share it with you because I trust you." That is intimacy. That is the whole point.
You do not need to act out every fantasy. You do not need to have identical interests. You just need to create a relationship where both people feel safe enough to say "I think about this" without fear of judgment. And that safety is something you build together — one small conversation at a time.
Because as the research shows, the couples who succeed are not the ones with the most adventurous fantasies. They are the ones who create enough trust that fantasies can be spoken out loud. And that is worth more than any single act.
Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes and does not constitute medical or relationship advice. If you are experiencing significant distress related to sexual communication or relationship dynamics, please consult a qualified therapist or relationship counselor.
Sources cited:
- Leitenberg & Henning, 1995 — prevalence of sexual fantasies in the general population (95%)
- The Journal of Sex Research — fantasy disclosure study (69% disclosed, 80% positive experience)
- Herbenick et al., 2019 — survey on women's sexual communication barriers
- Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute — fantasy prevalence and disclosure research
- Emily Jamea, Ph.D., AASECT-certified sex therapist — fantasy as imagination, not dissatisfaction
- Esther Perel, MA, LMFT — cultural stigma and sexual communication
- Sari Cooper, LCSW, certified sex therapist — sharing fantasies and erotic energy
- Chris Fariello, Ph.D., sex therapist — ongoing fantasy communication in relationships